Blogging A Dead Horse

An Elegy

jackgramenz — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 12:08:19 +0000

Farewell my wordpress, this is goodbye.

I’ve started using another blog on the sly.

We had some laughs, we shared some good times.

But I can’t stay with you and keep writing these rhymes.

I’ve decided to flee

to where the other indies go

I don’t want to hurt your feelings,

but you just had to know.

I’ve outgrown you wordpress,

you’re and old racist grumbler

I’m joining millions of teenage girls.

I’m getting myself a tumblr.

Don’t feel sad.

Please feel no sorrow.

If it all turns to shit

I’ll be back tomorrow.

fuckyeahjackgramenz.tumblr.com

Music I would actually pay for #2:

jackgramenz — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 11:40:39 +0000

The Lonely Island – Incredibad

There is no excuse for not owning this album. It doesn’t matter how you get your hands on it just do it. You indies can get it at that record store because it is kind of obscure. You trendy internet surfers who have a Macbook Pro to creatively check e-mail and all of you that work at/own an apple store and make enough money to actually buy music it is available on iTunes. You fourteen year old girls can get it at HMV (or is it a Sanity now?) at Indoroopilly because it was on SNL enough to make it mainstream, plus a censored version of ‘I’m On A Boat’ made B105′s hot 30 at some point in time. You can also pirate it for free off the internet, although that could give you scurvy.

Unless you were conceived, born and educated under a very large rock, or possibly a boulder, you will no doubt be aware of some of the Lonely Island’s hits. ‘Jizz In My Pants’ and ‘I’m on a boat’ became pretty big YouTube successes, henceforth they’ve been ruined, but luckily there’s another 17 mind-blowing songs that you can’t help singing along to. From the hard accusational rapping in ‘Who Said We’re Wack?’ to the heartfelt ballad of ‘Dreamgirl’ and the legendary tale of ‘Space Olympics’, there is something on this album for everyone. Unfortunately there one major problem with this album. It ends.

The Lonely Island’s debut album is both incredible and bad, therefore it’s name is ‘Incredibad’.

Gramenz

Totes Relevant Title.

jackgramenz — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 10:59:17 +0000

I just spent the last half hour or so on Facebook so naturally I’m not too pleased with the world. If you’ve been here before you’ll probably understand why, and as this entire website is pretty much dedicated to all the things that annoy me, I thought it might be nice to write about the things in life that I do enjoy, and hopefully I can postpone slitting my wrists vertically for another day. No, I’m not emo, but a suicide attempt would sure liven things up and I’d get lots of sympathetic Facebook messages with things like ‘Hope ur ok : (‘ and ‘thnkng of u…’ from people I ordinarily would not give the time of day. Not to mention every time I update my status with things like ‘Today is looking a lot better…’ and ‘The scars are starting to fade!’ it would get ‘liked’ by everyone, because, come on, if they didn’t I might do something crazy like jump in front of the 444 or drink an entire six pack of Guava Vodka Cruisers, contract diabetes and slowly kill myself with alcohol and needle drugs as I drown in a puddle consisting of my own tears, sick and the blood of a slain rabbit.

I like living in Brisbane. It’s a pretty good city to live in, it’s not the prettiest or the fastest or the most affluent. It’s never hosted an Olympics and it isn’t steeped in tradition or history, but it does the trick. There’s some pretty cool people in Brisbane too. There’s an equal amount of fuckwits but that’s just expected, they don’t really affect that much of your day, you might be slightly inconvenienced by their behaviour but whatevs, just deal with it. These aren’t necessarily the kind of people I want to meet (fuckwits not cool people), I’m more into meeting security guards that show up at spots and let you keep skating as long as you don’t go fucking around stealing their shit, and bus drivers who are just hyped on being alive and will drive a little bit faster and play their music loud enough for everyone to hear. I like the one bridge in the city that’s kind of a downward slope and goes around a corner. I like being able to get from one side to the other in under an hour on public transport. I like that a river runs through it.
I like movies directed by Quentin Tarantino. They’re really good. Better than some Hollywood rom-com churned out by the movie factory, those you don’t have to think about, most Tarantino movies have depth, they’re all out of order and you got a think a little. Except Jackie Brown. I had no idea what the fuck was going on there, I have a general thesis. Reservoir Dogs is the best though. Tim Roth has a major speaking role and one of the best lines ever in any movie ever made in history ever.

I like Vans, probs the best shoes ever. And chips and tartare sauce. And doing cess slides down that bridge in the city that goes down a slope and around a corner. I like crocodiles. They are the most ruthless of all animals. If I started a company the logo would be a crocodile, except Lacoste already did that so it would probably have to be a turtle. I like turtles. I like Yves Klein Blue because they’re from Brisbane and they’re good at playing instruments. I like a lot of other things, however it seems there’s a lot more things that I don’t like.

Gramenz 1:1

Stalking made easy.

jackgramenz — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 12:22:29 +0000

Despite my frequent claims of dislike towards facebook, I’m actually pretty much addicted to it and look forward desperately to knowing every half-hatched thought coming out of a fourteen year old girls head. However, it occurred to me earlier that this resource could be used for far more sinister purposes. The kind of purposes that would play very well into the hands of many Summer Bay* residents, or Cathy Bates in that movie Misery. That’s right, facebook has made stalking easier than getting a root in a brothel, or finding a discarded heroin needle in New Farm park. So, I decided to see just how easy it is to find out every detail about someone, of course, I’ve blanked out some names, but I will tell you this much, earlier today I watched the Tarantino movie Jackie Brown. Which was pretty good. That got me thinking about other Tarantino heroines (or just women in Tarantino movies) and remembered how that scene where Mia Wallace overdoses on cocaine is really bitchin’. So let’s see how easy it is:

I started with the first tool in a stalker’s arsenal, google. The first result was from Imdb. The second was from facebook.

I found out a few things about Mia. She’s married. Mexican. Likes David Bowie, The Doors and U2. She also enjoys Saw, Fight Club, and surprise, surprise! Pulp Fiction. I found out the name of Mia’s husband, siblings and parents. There’s no way I’m telling you, but it took me five minutes.

Let’s just say keep an eye on what you put on your Facebook profile and leave it at that.

Gramenz.

*After making that reference, I actually checked to see if Home and Away was still on the tube, it is.

Superpowers I wish I had.

jackgramenz — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 05:41:32 +0000

I’m sure all of you have, at some point in your lives, played the game ‘which three superpowers would you have and why?’ No doubt you put a great deal of thought into this (with the possible exception of the computers which spam me with comments) and most likely you settled on to the three most popular. Invisibility, pulling out $100 every time you put your hand in your pocket and the ability to make people orgasm on command. Invisibility, because then you could do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted. You could sneak into the girls locker room. You could rob Ferraris from evil businessman. You could make cups float out of their own volition. Yep, invisibility would be pretty fucking sweet. Obviously you’d have to pick the 100 hundred dollar thing because even if you were invisible, you aren’t a ghost and people would still notice you grabbing their wallets out their pockets, plus this is less illegal and you could just sit at home sticking your hand in and out of your pocket for a day or two and you’d be set for life. The ability to make people orgasm on command is obvious, and not just for sexual reasons. I, as the incredibly verile handsome scholar that I am, can make women ejaculate with a few simple French words and a flick of the hair, I’m like George Clooney with a fox attitude. However, for you mere mortals, the so-called ‘female orgasm’ is out of reach to many of you, so if you want a woman thinking you’re more stud than dud, you can simply give the signal and BOOM, toe tightening, spine tingling, sheet squeezing ecstasy. Now, I know I mentioned this ability would have its uses outside of the bedroom, or the kitchen, or in the bathroom of a nightclub with walls stained with regret, and a towel dispenser of broken dreams. As mentioned earlier, I’m an Adonis, however, I’m not much of a fighter, and civilised guys don’t fight, unless it’s through mind control but that’s like ten to twelve years away. I’m mostly without flaw, but single digit IQ meatheads in unit singlets with eyebrow piercings find the concept of discussion thoroughly confusing and will often settle their differences with violence. No matter, if they’re coming at me with my power of orgasm inducing stares, they got another thing coming. As they reach back to take a swing and the chimp in their minds stops banging his symbols, he detects a tingling in his genitals, and then boom! Still trying to hit me? Ha, impossible he’s too horny! Those are three excellent choices when faced with the conundrum of ‘which three superpowers would you have and why?’ but there is a fourth option, a trump card if you will, ready, you sure?

POWER OVER TIME

Right, right? Complete power over time, pause, rewind, stop, start, fast-forward, it’s life hooked up to Tivo. Think of all the time you would have for activities! Fast-forward through the boredom of school, work and the first two hours of titanic. Rewind moments with disastrous consequences and avoid persecution. You wouldn’t even need the other two super powers, Invisibility? Fucking forget it. Being able to pause time would be just as good as invisibility, better actually, no one can feel or sense you, and when you’re invisible people would still notice if you were punching them in the face or making off with their motorcycle. 100 dollar notes every time you stick your hand in your pocket? Nah, just pause time and take Steve Jobs chequebook, or you could just rewind back before the recession and you could afford shit anyway. Plus, I could rewind back to 1990 and write Reservoir Dogs. I’d be ‘Mister Big Shot Hollywood Movie Director’ and Quentin Tarantino would be stuck sitting behind the counter at Video Archives. If you weren’t into that sort of thing, you could just fast-forward and hope someone gives you a fat juicy inheritance, alternatively, you could just press stop and end it all. As for the orgasm thing you could pause time and, well, I think you know what I mean.

Some of you clever ones may be noticing a flaw in my ultimate superpower, what if you wanted teleportation, or you want to read minds? Simple, who needs teleportation when you could just pause time and fly there in your own private jet, or drive there at lightning speeds in your supercar. As for reading minds, that one I can’t help with, but you could give the illusion you can read minds. Just wait until the person says or does whatever they were going to do, rewind to when they were still thinking it and trip them out with your so-called ‘mind reading’. As for me, I think the first thing I would do is go back in time and give Eminem’s mum an abortion.

Gramenz.

Stuff Teenagers Like: Eminem

jackgramenz — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 05:08:39 +0000

As mentioned below, I’m not a die hard hip-hop fan. That doesn’t mean I can’t hate Eminem and all that he stands for. At least the last guy to desecrate black music had the common decency to leave a legacy of deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Frankly, I think the world would be a better place if Eminem had his final squat on the toilet. So why do teenagers love Eminem so much? Well he’s led a hard life, being from Detroit and all that. One time he did a duet with Rhianna so teens can bop away to his unintelligible slurs without feeling too racist. Then there’s the big one, the reason teenagers love Eminem, he raps about life! Well, more specifically, he raps about teenagers lives, i.e. over-exaggerated hardships. Eminem pops out phat beats like how he grew up in a trailer park, teenagers love this because it gives them hope that even though they don’t live in a ten bedroom mansion with it’s own post code they can still become a recording success. Most of these kids will go on to manage a Pizza Hut franchise or manufacture their own line of quirky handbags. He will also be quick to point out the fact that he rose from the streets of Detroit and does lots of mind-altering drugs, not to mention his famous quote circling in Facebook groups and status updates: ‘People hate you? Good, that means you stood for something’. In Eminem’s case this is not entirely true, people hate him because he stole black music and like most teenagers cannot say more than a few sentences without saying ‘fucking’ or ‘bitch’. Another reason teenagers love Eminem is because of his ex-wife Kim. Particularly because Eminem does not like his ex-wife Kim. This is because she divorced him (why she married him in the first place I’ll never know) and left him wallowing in a pit of whiny self-obsessed neediness, similar to heartbroken teenagers who break up with ‘the love of their lives’ one week short of their two month anniversary. Eminem’s raps about ‘life’ seem to be more favoured by young teenagers as opposed to other rap artists who often speak about how they’ve got a stable full of cars (which is an excellent idea, cheers Dre) and how they’re often knee deep in bitches, which is what life is actually about, AMIRITE?

Racism and ignorance walk hand and hand along the banks of the River Styx, half the people who don’t know this hail from the gold coast, plaster unit stickers on the back of their Hilux and insist that people who have a triple figure IQ are ‘un-Australian’ and ‘faggots’, the other half are teenagers, and they like Eminem. Because he’s rich, white and talks about how he’s going to pistol whip Kim and make a ‘nigger’ take the blame. Also, teenagers like Eminem because they’re stupid.

Gramenz.

Music I would actually pay for #1.

jackgramenz — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 00:37:00 +0000

Skinnyman – Council Estate Of Mind.

I’m not a die hard hip-hop fan. Normally I’ll pump obscure indie crap from The Drums and Yves Klein Blue, however, Skinnyman is the shit. This entire album is extraordinary. So, why haven’t you heard of it? Because it’s Skinnyman. Lurking in the underground England hip-hop scene, he moves from group to group and has an extended repertoire of one album to date. Released in 2004, Council Estate Of Mind is a heavily autobiographical album and covers his criminal and delinquent ways through dialogue at the beginning and end of most songs, most of which are quite hilarious, while others are pretty full on. Sadly, this hasn’t helped Skinnyman’s popularity in modern music as people don’t actually listen to full albums these days. They download the most popular songs off limewire (which has more viruses than a high school science project) and load them onto their iPod’s. Hence, more proof that the auto-tuning manufactured music of today is destorying good music and thanks to Eminem, hip-hop and rap has been pretty well ruined by his duet-fulled whinge rhymes, we get it, you’re from Detroit and you don’t like your ex-wife.

Council Estate Of Mind: 11/10

Gramenz

Two Guys Wasting Their Degrees.

jackgramenz — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 11:58:30 +0000

Today, In World News…

jackgramenz — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 06:55:41 +0000

This is like, news and stuff.

#1: Three metre crocodile rams boat full of women

That will happen when you step out of the kitchen. Obvious jokes aside, this would have been a pretty stressful situation for these women, which could have easily been avoided by making me a sandwich. Or maybe they shouldn’t have gone into the crocodile’s habitat because crocs are the shit and probably the most ruthless of all animals. Actually, it says they were in a fishing comp, it’s clearer now. This clip should explain it a bit better.

#2: A vapid and vain celebrity split with his equally vapid and vain partner.

Tamara Jaber finally awoke from whatever trance she was placed under and left Kyle Sandilands. This isn’t news, it’s just an opportunity to say suck shit, Kyle.

#3: Junior Masterchef a ratings success.

Last night was the debut of channel ten’s spin off Junior Masterchef. It met my expectations, having said that, it sucked. I seriously wish I was present at the meeting which created this series because this was just such a poor concept on channel ten’s part. The original Masterchef is obviously responsible for this as it was a monstrous success, but there is a pretty big leap between the two shows. On Masterchef original, you see everyday citizens from all walks of life participate in creating of the finest foods in the world regardless of how the people look, their personality or their socio-economic background. On Masterchef junior, you see snobby designer kids cooking Duck O’laronge served with a glass of Chateau Margaux imported from France. On Masterchef original, you see contestants share their thoughts and feelings about the immense pressure and stress they’re placed under. On Masterchef junior, you see contestants saying that one of the judges looks like a monkey. On Masterchef original, you see people pushed to their limit and triumph against all odds and it’s entertaining. On Masterchef junior you see a child’s dream crushed on national television and it’s sad.

Personally, I can’t wait until Christmas when all the kids start saying, ‘Mummy, mummy, I want a Sunbeam food processor!’

And Don’t Do Drugs Either

I Just Want To Own Cool Shit.

jackgramenz — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 12:35:39 +0000

I am bored. I am very bored. Bored. BORED. BORED. BORED. BORED. DEROB. BoR3d. I am bored. And when I get bored. I think. And I think. And I think. And then I have something to eat. But then I think some more. During these thoughts I often find lots of deep seated emotions and remember repressed childhood memories.

Just kidding, that would suck, I mostly just think about skateboards. And then I do back cess slides in my mind. Occasionally I revert then do a switch 180. But aside from that, I mostly just live inside my head and imagine that it’s a giant lemon meringue pie. But anyway, I really want to own cool shit. More on that in a second, I’ve noticed on pretty much every one of my posts I capitalize the first letter of every word. I know that it’s grammatically incorrect but then when I write it normally it just looks weird and I think if I do it like that people might think I suck. Which I so don’t in real life. I really want to own cool shit because material things elate me. I want a big framed Pulp Fiction poster on my wall because I really like that movie. I want a pair of boat shoes because they’re trendy right now and I want people to think that I’m trendy. I want a poster of the original album art from that album ‘Illinois’. I think that that won’t happen because they had to get rid of the Superman drawing because Marvel Comics chucked a hissy. But if I find one, I want to own it. I want to own several pairs of Vans shoes, particularly a pair of white Authentics on which I will draw stuff. I want to own a waterbed because my parents had one in the first house I ever lived in and I remember it as being probably the most comfortable thing in the world. If the owner of 243 Sugars Road Anstead is reading this, I want that house back so call me when I’m old and rich and we’ll work something out. I want to own an apple computer because like most consumers I am a teensy bit racist and I don’t like the fact that my computer is black. I want to own a fish tank full of exotic fish but I’m scared they won’t get along to well and they might eat each other or they won’t get enough sunlight or I’ll forget to clean their tank regularly and they’ll die. I want to own a black and yellow gibson les paul but I can’t play the guitar so I think it would kind of be a waste of money. I want to own the cadbury chocolate factory because I really really like chocolate. I want to own a lot of cameras including at least one Hasselblad, not because I particularly like shooting medium format I just really want to tell people I own a Hasselblad. I want to own an expensive sports car because I think it will portray me as dangerous and help me with girls but it probably won’t. I want to own an inner-Brisbane townhouse because I like living on my own and I like townhouses and Brisbane and I think it might help me with girls but it probably won’t. I want to own a large wardrobe of clothes so I could wear a different outfit each day and I think if I have a good sense of style it might help me with girls but it probably won’t. I want to own an inner-Brisbane townhouse with carpet because my current residence doesn’t have carpet it has softwood floors and they get really cold in winter and you can’t walk around on them in jeans unless you’re wearing shoes. I want to own an inner-Brisbane townhouse and I think it would be cool to draw the sky on the ceiling and a landscape in the bathroom because then you have something to look at while you take a shower. I want to own a shower radio because I don’t have a shower radio and I think it would be cool to have a shower radio. I want to own a zippo lighter, not because I smoke or because I start fires, but in the movies they always have zippo lighters which light first go and I fail at lighting lighters. I want to own an inner-Brisbane townhouse with swords on the wall because I really like How I Met Your Mother and their apartment has swords on the wall, also I think if I have swords on my wall it might help me bag a chick like Alyson Hannigan but it probably won’t. I want to hire Quentin Tarantino, assuming he has telepathic future seeing abilities, to write and direct my biography so that I’ll be able to know important details about my life before they happen but not necessarily in chronological order. I want to own a publishing company so that I can self-publish crappy, half hatched stories that I write in the hope that they’ll become an ironic cult hit and I’ll become rich and famous because I think that will help me score girls but it probably won’t. I want to own all these things at some point in my life but I procrastinate heavily in the hope that by acting laid back and carefree I might be able to score chicks and so I probably won’t.

And Don’t Do Drugs Either, I mean, I’ve always intended too heavily but I think it might distract me from trying to score chicks and so I probably won’t.