I’m sure all of you have, at some point in your lives, played the game ‘which three superpowers would you have and why?’ No doubt you put a great deal of thought into this (with the possible exception of the computers which spam me with comments) and most likely you settled on to the three most popular. Invisibility, pulling out $100 every time you put your hand in your pocket and the ability to make people orgasm on command. Invisibility, because then you could do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted. You could sneak into the girls locker room. You could rob Ferraris from evil businessman. You could make cups float out of their own volition. Yep, invisibility would be pretty fucking sweet. Obviously you’d have to pick the 100 hundred dollar thing because even if you were invisible, you aren’t a ghost and people would still notice you grabbing their wallets out their pockets, plus this is less illegal and you could just sit at home sticking your hand in and out of your pocket for a day or two and you’d be set for life. The ability to make people orgasm on command is obvious, and not just for sexual reasons. I, as the incredibly verile handsome scholar that I am, can make women ejaculate with a few simple French words and a flick of the hair, I’m like George Clooney with a fox attitude. However, for you mere mortals, the so-called ‘female orgasm’ is out of reach to many of you, so if you want a woman thinking you’re more stud than dud, you can simply give the signal and BOOM, toe tightening, spine tingling, sheet squeezing ecstasy. Now, I know I mentioned this ability would have its uses outside of the bedroom, or the kitchen, or in the bathroom of a nightclub with walls stained with regret, and a towel dispenser of broken dreams. As mentioned earlier, I’m an Adonis, however, I’m not much of a fighter, and civilised guys don’t fight, unless it’s through mind control but that’s like ten to twelve years away. I’m mostly without flaw, but single digit IQ meatheads in unit singlets with eyebrow piercings find the concept of discussion thoroughly confusing and will often settle their differences with violence. No matter, if they’re coming at me with my power of orgasm inducing stares, they got another thing coming. As they reach back to take a swing and the chimp in their minds stops banging his symbols, he detects a tingling in his genitals, and then boom! Still trying to hit me? Ha, impossible he’s too horny! Those are three excellent choices when faced with the conundrum of ‘which three superpowers would you have and why?’ but there is a fourth option, a trump card if you will, ready, you sure?
POWER OVER TIME
Right, right? Complete power over time, pause, rewind, stop, start, fast-forward, it’s life hooked up to Tivo. Think of all the time you would have for activities! Fast-forward through the boredom of school, work and the first two hours of titanic. Rewind moments with disastrous consequences and avoid persecution. You wouldn’t even need the other two super powers, Invisibility? Fucking forget it. Being able to pause time would be just as good as invisibility, better actually, no one can feel or sense you, and when you’re invisible people would still notice if you were punching them in the face or making off with their motorcycle. 100 dollar notes every time you stick your hand in your pocket? Nah, just pause time and take Steve Jobs chequebook, or you could just rewind back before the recession and you could afford shit anyway. Plus, I could rewind back to 1990 and write Reservoir Dogs. I’d be ‘Mister Big Shot Hollywood Movie Director’ and Quentin Tarantino would be stuck sitting behind the counter at Video Archives. If you weren’t into that sort of thing, you could just fast-forward and hope someone gives you a fat juicy inheritance, alternatively, you could just press stop and end it all. As for the orgasm thing you could pause time and, well, I think you know what I mean.
Some of you clever ones may be noticing a flaw in my ultimate superpower, what if you wanted teleportation, or you want to read minds? Simple, who needs teleportation when you could just pause time and fly there in your own private jet, or drive there at lightning speeds in your supercar. As for reading minds, that one I can’t help with, but you could give the illusion you can read minds. Just wait until the person says or does whatever they were going to do, rewind to when they were still thinking it and trip them out with your so-called ‘mind reading’. As for me, I think the first thing I would do is go back in time and give Eminem’s mum an abortion.
Gramenz.
